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Wednesday, March 15

Missed Opportunities

Me at Weber State Football Game
Weber State football game in 2015. 

As I approach the end of my undergraduate career I've come to realize how many opportunities have come and gone. This isn't something that's only just been recognized. I've seen them as they waved goodbye to me and in passing tell me, "This could've been you."
I'm not sure if it's frustration and resentment that I harbor toward myself but I can tell you it's not good. At the end of a hard day like today, I sit and demean myself. I throw punches left and right. Leaving myself esteem battered and broken.

I question the choices I make and imagine the "what ifs". "Why am I like this?" "If you had taken this position you would be happy right now." "Are you happy with that decision you made many years ago?"

It's exhausting and I don't know the answers! I won't ever learn some of those answers but they keep making their rounds. So let's face it, I have missed many opportunities in my life.

I do love with regret. I do hate myself and I don't miss the occasion to remind myself of that. I am my worst enemy. The one person I want to escape from the most is stuck with me forever.

I am grappled with an insurmountable amount of fear and I cannot get past it. So another opportunity comes and quickly it passes. Here comes another tussle with myself and she's a mean motherf*cker. I hate her but I don't want to let her down.

I know that's exactly what I do. Every. Single. Time. Beaten and battered. I wish this vicious cycle would stop.

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