|Weber State football game in 2015.|
I'm not sure if it's frustration and resentment that I harbor toward myself but I can tell you it's not good. At the end of a hard day like today, I sit and demean myself. I throw punches left and right. Leaving myself esteem battered and broken.
I question the choices I make and imagine the "what ifs". "Why am I like this?" "If you had taken this position you would be happy right now." "Are you happy with that decision you made many years ago?"
It's exhausting and I don't know the answers! I won't ever learn some of those answers but they keep making their rounds. So let's face it, I have missed many opportunities in my life.
I do love with regret. I do hate myself and I don't miss the occasion to remind myself of that. I am my worst enemy. The one person I want to escape from the most is stuck with me forever.
I am grappled with an insurmountable amount of fear and I cannot get past it. So another opportunity comes and quickly it passes. Here comes another tussle with myself and she's a mean motherf*cker. I hate her but I don't want to let her down.
I know that's exactly what I do. Every. Single. Time. Beaten and battered. I wish this vicious cycle would stop.