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Wednesday, April 12

Anxious About a New Project-Vlog 1

Hi!

So I thought it was time to do my first vlog. I hope for more to come...enjoy!




Wednesday, March 22

A Tough Time Turned Out Great

It's been tough for me to keep posting on my blog. I thought, when I relaunched it, that I was in a good place. For the most part, I am in a good place but there are certain things in my life that take me for a tailspin from time-to-time.

Small incidents will happen and it knocks me over and I have a hard time recovering. I just went through that and it sucks. Let's just be honest, right. I geared my blog toward my mental health issues and I'm struggling at the moment.

I was assigned to read a self-help book for one of my classes last month. I chose "Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win". I think that reading that book through the most recent rough patch helped me get out of a crappy mood much quicker than I would've on my own.
Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win
When I hit a low in my mood I tend to think negatively about myself. I tend to be hard on myself, even calling myself names. (How juvenile, right?) But this book got me thinking that I need to get up and do something.

I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and just do something, anything! So that's what I did! I got up off the couch and pushed the self-loathing aside.

I went for a drive with my family and had the chance to take some amazing photos of my kiddos. It was a bit rocky at first. Chirp (my middle child) did not want to walk down a rocky hill. He told me it wasn;t safe and I couldn't blame him for thinking that.

But once we got past the rocky part of the journey the kids had fun. They were able to let lose and I snapped some great shots of their excitement. I'm so glad I stopped thinking and started doing!

Here are some photos I got from our little outing:


Photo of Jetty Collage Kids
My three kiddos (left to right) Ribbit, Poppy, and Chirp




Wednesday, March 15

Missed Opportunities

Me at Weber State Football Game
Weber State football game in 2015. 

As I approach the end of my undergraduate career I've come to realize how many opportunities have come and gone. This isn't something that's only just been recognized. I've seen them as they waved goodbye to me and in passing tell me, "This could've been you."
I'm not sure if it's frustration and resentment that I harbor toward myself but I can tell you it's not good. At the end of a hard day like today, I sit and demean myself. I throw punches left and right. Leaving myself esteem battered and broken.

I question the choices I make and imagine the "what ifs". "Why am I like this?" "If you had taken this position you would be happy right now." "Are you happy with that decision you made many years ago?"

It's exhausting and I don't know the answers! I won't ever learn some of those answers but they keep making their rounds. So let's face it, I have missed many opportunities in my life.

I do love with regret. I do hate myself and I don't miss the occasion to remind myself of that. I am my worst enemy. The one person I want to escape from the most is stuck with me forever.

I am grappled with an insurmountable amount of fear and I cannot get past it. So another opportunity comes and quickly it passes. Here comes another tussle with myself and she's a mean motherf*cker. I hate her but I don't want to let her down.

I know that's exactly what I do. Every. Single. Time. Beaten and battered. I wish this vicious cycle would stop.